Sunday, June 14, 2009

i'm, like, a really really good kisser

captain's log: 6/15/09

Today I got busted real bad. And it wasn't even my fault at all!

All I was trying to do was preheat the oven so that I could make my famous cookie mish-mash, which is one of my favorite things to eat. If you haven't tried it then you're kind of a loser but here's how you make it: 

How to make "Cookie Mish-Mash"
-1 brownie tray
-8 rainbow cookies
-6 oreo cookies
-a lot of cereal
-1/2 bottle of soda
-about 95 ounces of sugar
-1 secret ingredient (nice try, not telling!)

See? Pretty easy! You just put all those awesome things into the brownie tray and then put the oven on and then put it in the oven and then wait fifteen minutes and then take it out of the oven and then eat all of it really fast so that you get it all over your face and then you take a nap so that you can go to sleep and eat more of it in your dreams. That's basically it. 

It's really hard to make cookie mish-mash on the weekends because the boy one and the girl one are home because their jobs don't meet on saturday and sunday. if you ask me, that seems pretty lazy to not go to work just because the calander says weekend but nobody has really been asking me lately. (why isn't anyone asking me about if I think other people are being really lazy or not!?!?! The world is such a fickle place!?!?!)

Anyway, the girl one was in the bedroom talking to her mom on the phone. I strategically waited until she started telling this super duper long story about a movie she saw that she didn't invite me to go see and that's when I made a run for the kitchen. I didn't tell any of the other bears because they're usually just tattletales about my most best ideas. 

So I climbed up on the cabinets and played around on the stove for a couple minutes. Then I started to get winded and remembered that I was a man on a mission. It was really hard to push the knob to turn on the oven for the preheating but I got my tail to help push things along. I don't know how the humans survive without tails. I think they must really have tails but pretend like the don't because of some conspiracy.

Then everything went so wrong. It wasn't even my fault! It turns out that there was a box of lucky charms in the oven (because apparently there was no room on the shelf) and the cereal lit on fire and made a really bad smell. The girl one came in and did a gasp and then put her hands on her hips and said what is going on in her.

"Are you talking to me or still your Mom?" I asked.

"Claude Bear!" she yelled. "You're such a troublemaker."

I tried to tell her that I wasn't a troublemaker at all, just a dessertmaker. But she didn't care. She got off the phone with her Mom and then told me I was in BIG trouble. 

BIG trouble usually means no TV, or no cake. If you're not gonna let me watch TV or eat cake, why don't you just kill me. Right? 

I couldn't handle the possibility of all this trouble so I did a patented move: I rubbed her on the cheek with my tail. And then she looked at me. And I made my eyes fall in love with her eyes. Then she smiled. I was almost home free and then I went in for the kill. I smooched her really hard and she loved it so much. 

"Ok, no punishment this time," she said. "But next time..."

I waited for like an hour but she didn't finish the sentence. 

Then I decided to finish the sentence myself "But next time...I'll just do another kiss and get out of trouble." 

So basically, I'm invincible!

-claude bear

Friday, June 12, 2009

freggly is such a mongrel

radrkljadf; k;;iujawenradl;jkaldkfjadl;fjkal nm,zncxvz,mxncvzn.eroiadfl;kj l;akjdfid;;ljkasdfasdfadfjakljflkjalkdfjasdlfjkiiiiiiejz.

lkajsdfjadl;fkjasdfkl;ajsdf;lk l;kjadfl;kajdfal;kfj ajdfl;asjdfl;akfj fjdl;afjasdl;fjasdkl;fjsda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[claude bear's note: nobody knows what freggly said but he probably meant that he is so happy that i am the leader of the bears and that if we were on a reality show he would do an alliance with me]


Thursday, June 11, 2009

do I really look like E.T. or not?

For years people have been saying so much that I look like E.T. So I finally decided to watch the movie and figure things out for myself.

The boy one owns a lot of movies and I know that he has this movie because sometimes he makes fun of me and says that if I'm not good he's going to put me back into the video cassette and lock away the key. I don't know exactly what that means but if it's anywhere near as scary as it sounds the smart move would be for me to be good.

I waddled up to the DVD rack. It probably has about 1-2 million DVDs. Why would anybody want so many DVDs? He hardly ever watches them. I think he just likes having them to show off that he knows about movies and whatnot. I spent a really long time looking but could not find the E.T. movie. Bust!

Then I looked at the TV and I saw a blue box that said ET on the label. I didn't look like the other DVDs, but I already said that I'm not a DVD expert so it's probably just a cool promotional packaging. Advertisers are so slick, they always know how to make stuff stand out.

I threw M&M's at the E.T. box until it fell down. I was really excited to see what this E.T. guy looks like on the cover but too bad the cover was so old that you couldn't see anything except that it was so old. Bart Bear can flap his paw and fly so I started being nice to him so that he'd do me the favor.

"Hey Bart Bear," I said. "You look dapper today."

Bart was in the middle of rooting through the laundry for lint but he popped up eventually. "What's dapper."

"It means handsome."

"What's handsome?"

Bart always asks so many questions because he doesn't really know very much. "It's a really good thing. I'm jealous," I said.

Then Bart smiled and beamed.

I told Bart I needed him to fly me up to the DVD player so we can put in E.T. and then see if I really look like E.T.

He said that the E.T. box didn't look like a DVD but then I told him about advertisers and he got confused and decided he better just fly us up.

So we flew up to the top of the television and I opened the DVD player. Unfortunately the movie didn't fit into the player. I was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't a DVD after all. Then Claude Bear walked by below, bouncing a tennis ball. He saw me and started laughing. I asked why he was doing the laughter and he said because I was trying to put a VHS into the DVD player. I asked what's a VHS and Claude Bear said it's the same as a DVD except you need to push really hard and smush it to get it to work. I thanked Claude Bear and then spent about 10 minutes jamming the VHS into the DVD player.

I tried so hard, but it didn't work. Stink! And I ended up breaking the DVD-player. Double-Stink!

Bart flew us down and then I got mad at Claude Bear for making me break it. But, like always, he came up with a plan. Claude Bear asked Bart to open the window. We all asked why but he just said it was part of the plan. Then he took out some bird feathers and asked Bart to sprinkle them around the DVD player. Then he said "Done." We asked what he meant and Claude Bear said that now when the humans get home they'll think a bird flew in and broke the DVd player.

It was the perfect plan!

The only problem is that I never got to find out if I really look like E.T. or not. Oh well :(

-kiki bear

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

give me pizza, or give me death

Captain's Log: 6/9/09

Today we woke up super early at 10:30 am because the bear week starts on tuesday and it's always a really smart idea if you get the week off to a good start. (can you believe that the human week starts on monday. how silly is that?!?).

Anyway, we had all sorts of things to do. To be completely honest, I was feeling so stressed that I actually took an hour-sized nap. Then at 11:30 AM, Bart Bear woke me up and said that we really need to get a move on it. He suggested that first things first, we should make a things to do list. I don't know if you know Bart Bear or not, but one thing you can always count on him for is a really dumb idea.

I put out my paw and shook Bart's paw and said "Congratulations. That is the dumbest idea I ever heard." Bart thought I was making a joke and fell on his belly laughing. Kiki reminded us that Price is Right was on so we all shut up and watched a lot of chubby people get really happy and then get really bummed out. It was awesome.

After the showcase showdown it was pretty evident we needed to refuel from our busy day.

"I'm really in the mood for pizza," I said.

Everyone else agreed, but thought it would be so impossible to get pizza without the boy and girl (humans) home to pay and make the order and whatnot.

We all did a brainstorm for about 10 minutes. Freggly didn't participate in the brainstorm because he was busy chewing on the sofa. He's pretty much a mongrel.

Kiki Bear said "I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but it would practical if we just forgot about the pizza idea and figured out what to snack on inside the house."

"False!" I yelled. And then I blew the guys away with an idea for the ages. "We can go online to the boy one's laptop and order from papajohns online." I'm kind of an expert online guy so this was going to be a piece of cake.

We worked as a team (which I hate) to open the laptop and then order the pizza (which I love). The best part was that the credit card information was already logged in so we didn't even have to try and find the wallet, which is always an ordeal.

The pizza came in less than 20 minutes and we gave the delivery person a standard 150% tip. Seems like a lot to me, but if that's the going rate, who am I to argue.

Then we all pigged out and fell back asleep.

-claude bear